The Science & The Sacred

Hi and welcome to episode six of The Science and the Sacred.

And in this episode it's my experience of ectopic pregnancy Part 2.

So what I wanted to use this episode more for was to talk about, I guess more the emotional side of the whole experience and and also kind of how I've tried to deal with that and kind of the, I guess the language and the framework that I've used around it in last the last episode, in part one that was more going into like what it is.

I guess like how I actually physically went through the whole process of it, You know, like what happened from trying to conceive to the pregnancy test to, you know, then finding out.

It was that topic.

And I kind of spoke a little bit about at the end, I guess I referenced what I'd be talking about now.

So this may be heavy.

It some of what I say might not resonate at all.

People might find it really useful, it might resonate other parts of their lives or other experiences that people have been going through, or it may be totally different.

I'm purely speaking about how I have moved through this period of time and how I'm still moving, because I'm still moving through it.

And and everything I say is purely that's just my own experience and how I'm kind of putting a bit of a framework on it.

And I guess how my own professional background I guess is kind of given me some tools that have helped me me to to get through that.

And I say it as if it's a done thing.

It's not a done thing since you know it's always going to be there and I'm sure it's can be particularly raw at the start now during this.

And it will hopefully get get easier.

And I actually wanted to open it with a quote that I read from a book and let me get the name of the book.

My Kindle will play well told tell me how this is so as I mentioned in the last episode, literally all I could do for a week.

Two weeks.

Yeah, maybe even more.

And was agreed I could couldn't really walk couldn't really do anything.

Definitely.

For that first week I was just pretty much was bedbanged and nor was I, you know, I was allowed to do anything more than walk or stand.

And that was actually one of the doctors told me she was like, if it's if it's more than walking or standing and it's going to involve your core or any sort of loading or twisting to the core, she's like, you're not really supposed to do it because it's a risk of rupture.

So while I was reading a million different books, I'm using my Kindle Unlimited to its absolute Max.

I came across this book and it's quite enjoyable.

It is, You know, it's a little bit sad.

It's kind of talking about a woman who has a job who's kind of taking the stories of people in a terminal care unit or it's a it's a cancer kind of care station.

And and if you were watching the video version of this rather than listen to the podcast Beautiful Light has just come through my window little rainbow.

So it's actually really lovely and so go check it out on YouTube if you're listening to this on the podcast.

But the book was quite nice and you know, this kind of story comes up through it, but in it is this beautiful part of 1 woman's story and she's writing her book, her story for her daughter.

And there's a excerpt in it that I was just like holy moly, that is the most beautiful definition of grief.

And I guess what I'm going through at the moment and and I'm sure what anyone who's ever lost any anyone that they've loved and I guess for me, you know, this person didn't come into being.

But the high that I felt and the the future that I painted for myself, you know, was very much a love filled one And that potentiality is hard to to lose.

So for me, I when I was reading this, I was like, wow, this is actually a beautiful description of what reef is.

And because it references love, and I'll read it, at first you'll feel as if a huge hole has opened up in front of you.

But slowly the edges will soften and the hole will start to fill up.

As time goes on, you won't fall into it quite so often and eventually you'll be able to stand on the edge and look into it.

Remember, grief is the price we pay for love.

Be kind to yourselves.

The first year will be the hardest, and love yourselves as much as I love you.

So for me, that analogy of the whole not so big, you know, as the years go by and that you won't fall into it so often, I was like, OK, that that kind of gives me a little bit of hope and gives me a bit of, I guess, a really beautiful visual analogy for me to to hold on to.

Because it's an absolute emotional roller coaster.

And I think it's hard until you've experienced some sort of grief and particularly I think with regards to like an early pregnancy loss, that roller coaster that you feel and is hard to explain where you go from such a high.

And it's when I think of those early days when, you know, I got the pregnancy test and I catch myself in the mirror and I put my hands in my belly and I start kind of thinking of this future for myself and Craig that when I think of that and I gave it out, like, oh, like, it's like your heart does a little like literature.

Like, oh, it kind of feels like it just drops down the floor, you know, as if we're like, you know, when you miss a step when you're walking down the stairs or.

No, it's when you're going up the stairs and you think there's going to be an extra 1 and you kind of step and like, you jump down.

You like the land part.

That's kind of what it feels like.

I'm like here and my heart just, like, drops down into my diaphragm.

I'm like gut punch.

Those hugs are less.

But there are definite moments where it is hard.

I also, you know, I've taken a bit of a kind of step back from a lot of stuff that I'm doing in work and I am going on my honeymoon at the end of the summer for two months.

So I think that will be a really nice break for me just to be like Wolsa, what am I doing?

Let's just breathe.

So I'm kind of like, right, let's just get through the summer.

But what I do a lot is Women's Health and I do pregnancy in post meatal classes.

And that's something that I plan to to kind of start building back up again because I absolutely love it.

I've kind of used the last two years, I guess kind of really figure out what it is I enjoy and like doing.

And for me it's it's really that Women's Health like stepping into your strength from a really kind of deep place.

It's understanding your body, your cycle, your intuition and a way to bring you forward.

And as part of that, it's that pregnancy post Natal.

Like, I love that style of training because you're training to be strong as a parent, as a mother, as someone who's going to give birth, you know, someone who's going to be looking after a child.

And that focus from a movement and health and a wellbeing point of view, I just absolutely love.

I just love that whole whole focus of it.

And you know the same with kind of the fertility awareness side of things, the menstrual cycle awareness things that's it's just a really beautiful focus, but that can be a little bit challenging.

You've just gone through pregnancy loss and so there have been times that maybe I haven't made the best decisions about going to things with my friends that have a lot of kids arrange.

We're seeing newborns and I, thankfully, you know what, I have to just from a physical point of view.

But it was a bit thankful where I was.

I was supposed to be starting a new a new block of pregnancy and post Natal training when I thought I initially miscarried an international topic.

And I was like, you know what?

This is actually a good thing that I'm not doing this for another four weeks because I was like, I don't think I'm ready because some days you're totally fine.

And other days it's like there are reminders everywhere.

And it's, it is just part and parcel of life.

Your friends are going to give birth.

You know, you're going to see pregnancy announcements on Instagram.

You're going to talk to friends about trying to conceive.

You're going to be working with people who are pregnant.

You know, it's it's very much in the world that I work in and live in.

And there are times when I gecko.

I'm totally fine with this.

And the other ones, I'm like, excuse me, you want to go puke in a toilet because I'm so devastated, like and you can flip from that in like a heartbeat.

That's what I found.

And I think when it all first happened, as I mentioned in the last podcast, when I initially thought I was miscarrying and then when I initially thought or initially found out that I was a topic, it was like pure devastation, like the miscarry.

Oh my God.

Like I'd say, as they mentioned last last episode, that next door probably where like a while is happening with The Neighbors.

And but it was, it was pure gut wrenching, howling, pure grief in its nearest form.

And I was lucky that Greg was there with me and kudos to him because he's, you know, going through his own grief and he was just excited as I am and physically going through it.

But he's mostly going through it just as much as as I am.

And he very beautifully helped me in all of those moments.

But for me, I then totally disassociated and it's almost like like repeat this actually phoned me and Craig in the hospital where I'm on the hospital bed waiting for the methotrexate and then there's a selfie and it's like I'm not into, you know, that much ideal issue.

But the content for the Instagram, I'm not really into million one photos, but I was actually sending it to my friend being like, oh, we're just bored out of our heads.

Because once it once, like, it happened and I freaked out and I realized I was OK And then Craig came, then it was like, you kind of just you're like, okay, it's happening.

Cool, right?

I'm fine.

And you're like, obviously you're not fine, But you're just like, yeah, yeah, Grant.

OK, OK, It's happening.

It's all good.

I'll get through it.

It's fine.

Great.

When you're just having conversations about normal stuff, about work, like, whatever, like, you know, just getting back into it.

And then a couple of days later for me anyway, I was like, oh God, right this has happened.

Am I going to be OK?

What's happening physically in my body?

Like I went to the battle for cancer thing turned up, obviously couldn't do it, but like brought a second camping there to sail in it to cheer people on.

I didn't need to be there.

I was supposed to be going to hospital appointment and I did go to the hospital appointment.

I drove like when I think about it now, like, but at the time.

And again, I mentioned last episode of meeting the Instagram posts like the next day or you know, it's answering an e-mail about the launching podcasts like From Hospital.

I I just needed something normal to do to help me pretend that this wasn't happening and that my life wasn't changing forever.

And for anyone who knows me, even though my business is called Goats Flow, I can sometimes really struggle to to not have control of things.

And used to be a product manager, used to be a project manager, you know, working, consulting, yada, yada, yada.

I've quite a logical, although it's also creative.

I do have quite a logical brain as well and I like that organization.

I like putting the structure.

I like pulling these little pieces out from everywhere, all these different things and putting them together into a plan.

And then I used to you know hand that over to the development team and it would it would get done and I would manage that and I would oversee it and I'd be able to you know do all the things and kind of plan for all the bits and put it all together.

And that's that's what I'm used to.

I wanted to get a grade.

I wanted to get a distinction and blah okay, cool.

This is my plan.

I'd work it out and I'd go first like, I that's that's what I would do in life.

And I was like, oh wow, we're caught.

We're so lucky.

This all went so according to plan because I was trying to be very and, you know, we're trying to conceive.

I was trying to be very like, we don't know what's going to happen.

You know, I'm really just going to surrender to all this and see what happens.

We'll have the crack.

And I kind of got a bit like wobbly for the first month or two where I was like that didn't happen straight away because some of our friends, it didn't happen straight away.

And I was like, they're weird, small, like cosm of the world.

For most people it doesn't happen that way.

Yada, yada, yada.

And I was like, right?

And then it was only when I, you know, had to go to this whole experience that I was like, oh, this is, this is surrendering because I can't do anything to change this.

I can't do anything to change this.

And there's nothing.

There's no Plan B, There's no whatever.

It's like, I can't change anything.

And this medicine that I'm taking means that I can't just jump back in to trying to conceive straightaway.

I have to wait for three or four months, maybe more.

I have to take that time.

I can't physically brain swim, really move that much, do yoga.

I can't do.

I can't work.

I can't coach.

I can't.

I couldn't do anything.

It was full and complete surrender in its greatest sense.

And that for me was a lesson and was very difficult even though it's something that I advocate a lot of.

And I would have thought that even though I am a self-proclaimed control freak, because I am a self-proclaimed control freak and know about, I end towards perfectionism and overplanning and you know, all that kind of stuff.

Now anyone who's into human designer just listened to this being like that.

You're just one like that.

You got line one that's totally fine.

It's like helps you feel prepared for life and then you kind of go with it.

And that is normally how we do things.

I feel a lot like do all my research and then I'm like what's you know, go with it.

And that's what I would do for holidays.

I kind of do look up those things.

I'm like that's good.

But I wouldn't really plan that much.

I'd kind of you know make decisions once I'm there, might have a few things booked because I know that I am that way and I like to over research and over plan and you know, kind of trying control things.

And if something's not working well then I'm I'm going to make a Plan B and I'm going to do something else and you know, very I guess resilient in that way and driven in that way in that respect.

And, you know, those things can be superpowers.

But I would have thought that I was good at to balance that surrendering and slowing down and taking rest, you know, doing the restorative activities to make sure that I'm not overstressed and overtraining and that, you know, I'd make sure I do my grounding exercises, that I'm not so much in my head, I'm gaining into my body again.

Anyone who's into astrology, I'm all air, all air and fire.

There's like very little earth in my sign.

And that is very much shown through me needing to do things like yoga, get outside in nature, see.

So I need to do the things that are going to ground me, and I just lost all the tools to bring me from my head then into my body.

Now what I did have was obviously reading, which I love, and I did have my breathing exercises.

I did have therapy, which was so, so important.

And I did have kind of my little ceremonies and meditation and kind of some sort of ritual around that.

They all have massively helped me, as has my support network.

So although I couldn't use physical movement to get from my head into my body, I could use some breathing techniques, you know, albeit kind of gentle ones and, you know, just diaprmatic breathing or the Natti showed on a like that.

Did that did help.

Same with kind of doing a little ritual or you know, the ritual really did help me.

And this might sound really strange for some people, but that Monday that I ended up what I thought was misgoing on some after Sunday, I was like, right, this is, I think this is going this way.

I got up that morning and I had a little okay ceremony and I lay it all my little and you know I have these kind of pregnancy stones and these little kind of gorgeous glass sea glass on the auntie gave me and Craig from the beach near where we got married.

And you know they were all they all kind of had symbolism and there had been what I had been meditating and manifesting with for the for the last well, you know, basically calling it a pregnancy And I kind of put all them out and I made a little Gaia stone or not stone Gaia statue.

So it's a little kind of pregnancy woman, Mother Earth.

And I just sat with it and I was like, if you and I said it from day one when we got pregnant, I was like, if you are happy and healthy, we want you to stay.

And I was like, you were going to be so loved.

But if you aren't and there's a reason that you need to go, you need to go like, we let you go.

We're going to release you kind of the pain.

And so I was that that ritual really like ured me for the fact that I was, you know, going to Biscri then came along the ectopic side of things and that just threw a whole different spanner into into the works.

And with that breathwork, that ritual really, really helped me.

The other thing that really helped me was therapy, as I mentioned.

So I had already been going to therapy since the start of the year and you know winter had been tough for me post wedding.

It was kind of this huge, big crash.

I was like, what am I doing my business.

I closed up the membership.

I was like, right.

We're going to kind of you know, grow from the ashes, do the whole Celtic wheel, you know, do the the the winter, the dark night of the soul coming to spring coming to summer.

And I was like, oh, it's all flowing.

I'm like in that solar energy it's regnant.

All the things I'm working on are coming out and like these big visions for work, all this kind of stuff.

And but because I had been doing, because I'd had such a tough time during winter and I always find winters hard, I think I, you know, might have sad or I just maybe need to be near the sun more.

I definitely find the darker months more challenging.

And thankfully that meant that I had started going back to therapy in January.

So I had pretty much six months of good therapy with an excellent therapist under my belt who really helped me move from a place of like total dysregulation.

Like I was completely a mess at the start of the year and to being a lot more like in my body and able to kind of understand what's happening or maybe not over intellectualize things like get that lovely balance of being like I am feeling this, but here's how I'm communicating it.

Where I would go from one to the other, I'd be like fully feeling the feeling or I'd be like completely shut down being like, so this is what's happening right now, what's happening in its face.

But I do this thing and I don't know how to stop it.

You know, I'd like be like, it's the CBT, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I'd like, you know, put all the language on it and and completely be cerebral about it.

I wouldn't be in my body better at all.

So she, she really helped me kind of find this path where I was feeling both and, you know, communicating how I was feeling, communicating how I was feeling to friends, not shooting myself off, communicating with Craig, my parents, all this kind of stuff.

So when?

This happened.

I had this person who knew my back story, knew what I'd been working on by how I'd been processing.

So when I came in and was like, this is what's happened, we could just deal with that.

We could just focus on that.

And I had that relationship that I was able to feel vulnerable in and talk through all of that.

And I know as well that there's lots of really good support networks and there's kind of miscarriage Ireland.

There's also some ectopic pregnancy groups as well, both in Ireland and the UK.

I've yet to try them and I'm I'm sure I will, to be honest.

One of the reasons I haven't is because the clashes will work and because I work in the evenings.

So I do want to look up those because I think that support network is credibly important.

And that's the other thing that's been hugely helpful for me over the the last while is the support network.

Knowing that my mum was coming back, my dad was coming back, knowing that my husband was there.

Knowing that my best friends knew what was happening, knew, knowing that my family around me like my extended family, that my friends, my colleagues like, we knew what was going on.

That is incredibly important.

And then the support network on Instagram, which I was really surprised by and because, you know, I really in the past would have not liked social media.

I was like, it's like just a marketplace.

It's just salesy.

You get these people coming on and being like, I'm going to help you scale your business, yada yada, yada, blah, blah, blah.

And then you'd like, you know, I've had some fantastic experience with the coaches being like you just have to hold message people and you know, blah.

And it's all like building relationships and like that's not building relationships.

However, now I actually really do like when I connect with people who have started following me or they're commenting because I'm like, well, this is actually a relationship.

And you know, when I put up that post on about the fact that I had experienced like pregnancy, quite a lot of people, friends and family got in contact with me to be like, I got a miscarriage.

You know, I had this.

But people on Instagram also got in contact with me and shared their experience and it made me realize, hey, how common pregnancy lost pregnancy release is.

And I know supportive it is and definitely for me to be able to talk to other people about it.

And I'm sure I made people uncomfortable along the way.

But I was like, I don't really, I don't care.

That seems terrible.

But I was like, I know that I need to share and the right people who want to talk to me about it and can have and who can have those conversations with me will have those conversations with me.

And if someone can't, that's totally fine and you know, we'll move on.

But even me, just talking about the conversation normalizes it for anyone who does want to bring it up.

And I've always admired people who maybe spoke about their own loss or maybe their own experiences of trying to conceive.

And then for other people, they in no way want it to be public.

And it's a very private thing.

And that's how they're going to process it.

And they're only talking to their close friends and family.

So it's really about finding the support that's going to suit you best.

So for me, my husband, my parents in particular, my close friends and family in particular and then my kind of extended circles out from that.

And I do think that at some stage I'll probably go and talk to some circle or a group or support network at a wider extent.

For people who have experienced pregnancy release their pregnancy loss.

Because I think I will find that incredibly cathartic.

Because when I did speak to people about it, particularly about ectopic pregnancy when someone else had mentioned they experienced ectopic pregnancy, the the understanding that they had of confusing it is how isolating it is.

I you will go from feeling fine, like you're like I'm fine.

I'm resilient.

I'm going to get through this.

Then being devastated and being like, God, I'm so looking nothing bad happened and like look how grateful I am for all of this that I have in my life.

To then being devastated again.

To then being like furious that like the cops are stacked the wrong way.

Then like I need to feel that all within 24 hours.

Like it's just you're I've, I have yet this is my first time experiencing these fluctuations in such a range of emotions Over the last while, that's been the hardest thing for me.

So I do think that for me, at some stage I will go and speak to some group or seek out those people who have had excender experiences because that that that level of understanding and being able to talk about that and know that you're not going to get judged.

That's not that I think anyone else is, but just knowing that they're like, yeah, I totally get it.

And like you do get it, you know that that there's something very comforting and safe in that.

So they have been huge tools for me, what I've also found really useful, and I did do a story on this and I had a couple of friends get in contact with me about it and some people online as well.

But I did do a story about it being like the framework that cyclical wisdom, cyclical living whichever way you want to call it really that.

That framework of the inner seasons, of menstrual cycle awareness and then the Celtic wheel of the seasons of the year from a Eurocentric point of view and applying that to our life and where we are in our life.

And the lessons of that that framework, coupled with my support network, coupled with my therapy, coupled with, you know, all the other stuff that I've spoken about that really, really helped me put context to what I was going through.

And I'm going to be incredibly careful here and make sure that it's clear that I'm not trying to be toxically positive because some of that stuff drives me absolutely mental.

And I've been in situations where I've been in these, like, thought, leadership things and people come in and they talk about like growth mindset and yadda, yadda yadda.

And you were like in the depths of despair for whatever you're going through.

And you're like, look, it's the F off with that stuff.

Like I how can you expect me to come, you know, out of this thing?

And there's that awful video that I actually hate so much, which is that one.

I don't know who it is.

So sorry, but I don't really care if I'm going to offend you here.

It's that.

But that guy, I think he's on a podcast and I'm totally misquoting here.

It's just more the sentiment, but it's like, you know, business failed.

Good.

Something bad happened.

Good, something awful happened good.

You know?

And like all this crap about how, like, you build up and it makes you stronger and all that kind of stuff.

And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's back up here.

Yes, There's no real a lesson in everything.

And yes, you know, you experience these things and you're like, oh God, did you actually get through it?

But also, as my friend said to me, she did.

Stuff just happens to good people.

So I think it's really important to make sure that when you're being grateful for stuff, sorry, I'm going to speak in the eye because I can only speak for myself.

I think it's incredibly important that when I am being grateful for things or when I'm saying, well, at least this, I'm not doing that in a way that's discounting how I am feeling and how awful it is and how hard the emotions are and the sense of loss and how painful it is because it's painful.

It's really hard.

You see a newborn baby walking down the street and you're like, that should be me, like that's that's where your head goes to.

Will that be me?

Will I be able to get that?

I had that hope, that brief lip of like my dream come true for a week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks and then it has been ripped away from me and you know I can't do anything about it.

Sorry, a I can't do anything about it.

But BI can't try again or start again or kind of pursue that dream again in in in any way, shape or form for the next few months.

That is awful.

Like, let's call a spade a spade that is incredibly difficult to have as a reality.

And I know that there is much worse stuff out there as well.

Like there's, you know, grief and loss and life experiences.

Like it's it's being a human socks.

Sometimes it is really does.

I'm also acknowledging that I'm incredibly grateful for so many things and there's been a lot of beautiful stuff to come out of this experience.

As I mentioned, with the support that I've got from the people who love me and being able to have that network around me and being in a country where I can get access to healthcare and you know, the public system is actually pretty decent.

At least my experience of going through the public system for all of this has been, you know, it was excellent.

And in my opinion, I think you can have those two things go inside.

And yeah, that's really all I'm going to say on that.

But I think it's really important to make sure that when I'm talking about these things being like, well, the lessons that I learned and you know, this is what I'm taking out of it, that I'm not doing it from a point of view of A, I'm ungrateful for what I have beyond discounting the experience that I had.

Or C, I'm saying that I am better or glad because I've got this learning out of it.

That's no way what I'm saying because everyone's experience is going to be different.

Every situation is going to be different.

Everyone's response is going to be different.

Every support network and coping mechanisms are going to be different.

For me, I find it reassuring.

You have some framework to understand the experiences of life that we can go through.

I would be quite a spiritual person, but I'm not a religious person.

And you know, I was born Catholic, baptized, went through all of that, never really connected with that aspect of it, just wasn't, you know, before.

I guess even there are history became more apparent in Ireland about how the Catholic Church had a massive lack of care for mothers, women, children and I just never really connected with the heaven, hell, single God thing.

I've always had more of a connection with like energy and stuff like this.

So obviously this whole kind of expansion now of like I guess the universe source, you know, the more widespread adoption of yoga as obviously it's got a physical side to it and that's whole other conversation.

But the more spiritual side of it and chakras and Reiki and energy flow and all all of this sort of stuff, it all kind of slots into my brain a lot better and it's a language that I can understand and can use.

So for me having that sort of framework of understanding of like the Via Negativa, the Via Positiva, the masculine, the feminine things like winter and the dark night of the soul and how it might be summertime.

Because this all happened with the summer, summer and solstice, where I felt I was for a brief moment in the summer solstice and then massively fell off the Cliff and was like thrown into the decks of winter.

But because I knew what was happening emotionally and energetically, I was like okay.

I'm in winter, I'm in winter now I'm in winter in my personal life, I'm a winter in my professional life.

I'm a winter in my physical body.

I cannot move, I cannot do.

I am completely unmotivated to do anything in my business, and my priority right now is to rest is too slow down, is to surrender.

And I know that like all of the cycles in the world that I will move out of this winter phase, out of this deep, dark awfulness, this tumultuous, not really knowing what is coming next.

It's like a complete blank on this of my life.

I don't know.

My plan has completely gone out the window and that's kind of been repeated across a couple of different things in my personal and both professional life in the background.

It's almost like it was all kind of loosely held together and then one peg went and actually the world is like, you know what actually we're just going to, we're just going to totally wipe that slate clean and we'll start again.

So that was all happening at the same time and I was like I'm now in winter and I know through menstrual cycle awareness that winter is a time for deeply asking for help, asking for people to support you handing over that ability.

It's you know we've we've it's a deeply feminine time and from the Celtic field point of view it's you know the the the point of time we have the least amount of of light and it's that really grounding nurturing like deep earth.

It's like trying to build up that soil that we're going to plant the season and I didn't want to be there.

I wanted to be in my summer like I'd done all that.

I thought I'd done all of that last winter and through various cycles in my year.

I was like not meant to be here.

But here I am.

And I know through menstrual cycle awareness that if I rest during my winter and try and move out slowly into my spring, that if I do that I will have enough reserves to to have a more energetic, a more healthy, a more balanced summer.

And that I won't fall into the hyperproductive, masculine that doing to distract, that doing to move forward.

I potentially fell into the risk of it.

First week back in work, last week, where I was like, right, And back, let's go training and do this feeling good.

I was like, you know, at the gate.

And then I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Schneid, slow down.

Like, we're looking at this experience in the very microcycle.

We just went through a couple of weeks of deep winter, and I was trying to jump in the summer again.

So I'm like, slow down, you know?

I can't support the classes that I'd booked into or I did more yoga.

I napped, like, around for a sea swim on Thursday.

I slept.

Slept the whole day.

Slept and saying what?

Friday.

Any.

Basically any time I wasn't poaching physically in the class, I was sleeping or lying down.

And pretty much I think I did one or two sessions and that was more for my mental health than anything.

I actually even wrote a note on my own profile.

In the game that I'm in, we have notes on people's profiles to make sure that we're like, alerted on injury.

I actually added a note to my own profile.

Be like Sinead is coming back from this.

Make sure she stays at 80% because I knew myself that I'd be like, I'm back, let's go P B's like, you know, so it's like I'm going to put blinkers on myself, like, you know, the little stabilizers, I'm going to put them on myself and get other people to help me load the phone down.

And because I know my tendencies, having gone through multiple cycles of menstrual cycle, awareness of tracking my own patterns, my own energetic dispositions, my own coping mechanisms, all of this stuff.

And both from a micro level with regards to my menstrual cycle, but then also throughout the year and what happens throughout the year.

And I'm really, really trying to move a lot of my life to be more in line with that.

And it doesn't mean that it has to perfectly line up with the seasons.

It just more means that I'm trying to be more aware of the energies that are going on right now.

So for me, having this framework of being like, right, I'm in the winter, I know that the summer will come.

It's really allowed me to take the pressure off myself and match myself when I'm falling into old patterns of doing.

Of hyperproductivity.

Of going to be too independent of not asking for help, of not resting.

Of expecting myself to be on a certain point of that planning that I spoke about that control rather than receiving.

Of knowing when to step back and when to step forward.

And the concept that meant just like awareness, the red school talk about a lot of holding the pension of being in one place and transitioning into another or of holding kind of do opposing ideas or thoughts or and being in a situation and having to just sit with this and it being kind of uncomfortable.

But how the alchemy or the transformation can come out of that.

And no, my husband may not agree with me on this, but whether he wants to admit it or not, I have actually, I think, done way better than me.

A year ago, me to 510 years ago definitely would have been able to handle the situation.

I think through the therapy and having the language to explain to myself where I am from a life stage, from what's going on, from the expectations I want to put on myself, patterns.

I have been able to step back a little bit and be like this is what's happening and in menstrual cycle awareness they talk about this where it's it's the power of encounter.

So they have power of agency and power of encounter and the power of agency is like that be a positive at that masculine.

So in the Celtic wheel that would be like the solar energy you know summer solstice moving from like the winter solstice then got in ball the Altine and you're building off towards the whole summer Solston, that's the solar energy and then it flips and you're into the the dark off the air.

So it's the Yamas and Murray Kennedy will kill me.

There's two names for it.

There's masculine on the feminine side and I think Yamas and Samos, I'll add show notes this if I've gotten that wrong and it's the same sort of idea in menstrual cycle awareness via positiva, via negativa via positiva not masculine.

Is the agency, the moving forward that risk that we can go into hyper doing hyperagency burnage, we do too much because we're not coming from the point of the feminine.

And if you think about the yin and Yang symbol, you always have a dot of you know the white or black within the black and the white.

And that's because you need that little bit of the say masculine when you're.

So when you're in the winter, when you're in the feminine, you need that little bit of the light masculine to balance out the feminine.

And when you're in the solar in the summer, in the masculine, in the Via Positiva, you need that little bit of the feminine to make sure that you're staying rounded.

It's the same sort of idea Agency, as I said, is that Via Positiva encounter, just more like a leaning back and being like OK take it's not, it's not passive, it's like a pause.

You're like, what's happening, OK?

And then you can just sit with it, you.

Learn more by doing that and then that informs when you're then taking your next step.

I've been really trying to.

It's been really, really hard.

But I have been doing more of it and it's allowed me to maybe explain to Craig, Look, this is coming up.

This is going to be very difficult for me.

Look, I'm really tired from my first few days back coaching.

I need to sleep.

Look, this is all I can do or flipping out about something which I have done and I'll talk about that in a second.

But the the anger has been the hardest part for me to handle and I'm sure it's been really hard for Craig to handle as well on the receiving end.

And but being able to sit with that when something flares, I'm like, I'm really sorry is what's happened rather than letting that snowball and kind of go out of control.

Similarly noticing when I start like overbooking classes that I'm like, well let's cancel that early morning once you have a lion Duke caseo means that and then maybe feeling good, go for lunchtime one and keep it 7080% things like that.

That is hugely, hugely.

It's been honestly a game changer for me going through this and as I said, first time ever experiencing and I hope to never experience it again.

But for me, having that skill set and having developed that muscle and that language and that framework of being like winter, summer, spring, autumn, this is what's happening.

We need to surrender to the feminine and move through all of this and move forward.

And for me, I found it incredibly so.

For someone else, that might be your your faith, your belief.

It might be, you know, 1/3 a therapy based approach.

It might be some sort of healing modality, it might be something else.

But for me, it's been that cyclical wisdom.

Part of it has been really helpful because I'm like this is where I'm at.

This is what's happening in my life.

There is some wisdom in it, whether I want see that right now, but there is some wisdom in that and then I can move forward.

I know I will get through this and the wisdom for me and as I said, this is in no way intended as it's like you know, there's a silver lining and everything.

But for me the wisdom was, oh wow, if I had died, I had spent the last two years trying to set up a business and that I was accidentally self sabotaging.

So totally procrastinating with a lot of stuff and then making it really stressful and hard for myself and beating myself up because I wasn't doing X and wasn't achieving Y and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I spent two years doing that, worrying about all of this stuff, talking to my husband about it, you know, constantly stressed about things, about work that I absolutely love, that I was blocking myself doing well.

And I'm like, if I had died or something had happened, I'm like, that's how I've spent.

No, that's not true.

That's not fair.

Yeah, I've had a beautiful experience as it got married and there's been so many gorgeous memories, afraid of something.

I've met amazing people have built this business, like figured out what I wanted to do.

But that was my initial pop being.

Like, my Lord, what if that's what I spent my last two years doing, where I was like, I wasn't seeking joy those last two years I was surviving and I was like, I already won't survive anymore.

I was like, I actually want to try it.

So I was like, I want to go out and and savor those moments.

And so that was the first thing.

I was like, I was just so like, wow, life doesn't have to be that complicated.

So for me, the first lesson was I just need to simplify everything.

I was like, I have just made everything too complicated and trying to do too much.

I mean way too and I'm being too scattered with my energy.

I was like, I just need to simplify.

I was like, what is fun for me right now?

What brings me joy from a coaching point of view?

What can I let go of?

So that's been a huge one of my wisdoms to come out of it.

The other one is slowing down.

Like I don't need to build all of the ideas and businesses that I have in my head right now.

I am early 30s.

I might never build more.

It's like, but I'm going to pick the ones based on simplifying that bring me the most joy, make the most sense, allow me to do the things that I love with the people that I love.

That's, that's what I'm going to do and everything else I'm going to slow down.

So when we look at the Celtic wheel, that is that kind of moving from the action to the surrender, the mask and to the feminine and trusting that, you know, you can't be in the mask.

And the whole time it's the same with the menstrual cycle awareness.

They talk or the red school, I should say have this, um, cyclical Selfcare, this, they call it the dark arts.

But I like to think from the Cyclical selfcare tools, which is called pacing, as I mentioned before, And it's that thrusting, the divine timing of things, it's thrusting that everything can't happen right away.

You've got to allay some patience into your life.

For me, I am impatient.

I like to do, I like to achieve, I like to get places.

So for me that slowing down has been a huge wisdom.

But, you know, actually I simplify everything and if I slow everything down, so I'll kind of be way more enjoyable.

And it will happen when it's all meant to happen.

And it will be far more enjoyable than racing to the finish line because it is that whole.

You know, analogy is like goal posts keep moving or like, it's not the destination, it's the journey.

And it's true.

Like it is.

It's the journey, it's the memories you make along the way and it's the enjoyment.

Life isn't always going to be peachy keen, but like, can you see those glimmers out there?

Can you see those bright moments amongst the darkness?

Because my God, they are there, even though we might not feel like we're ever going to see them again.

And then the third wisdom, I guess, is surrender.

Like I had to totally surrender and slow down.

I couldn't do anything and I couldn't change what was happening.

And I had to let my body physically heal.

And now I'm going to be in a position where I've got to delay trying.

So that's going to give me hopefully.

And you know, it's not like you get over it and then you're like box ticks, but like that will allow me some space again.

That idea of slowing down, not rushing into trying again to heal myself a bit more to make that whole.

Like I said at the start of the episode, a little bit smaller and then I fall into it a little bit less so that I don't maybe I'm not as angry all the time and that that normally wouldn't really bother me that much.

Like I said, the cup shelf not being stacked the right way now they're driving me mental and triggering rage in me, which is, you know, very difficult for me to deal with.

That's not going to happen so much If I lay myself to slow down, if I lay myself to simplify, if I lay myself to surrender, and then this idea that I'm going to have this gorgeous honeymoon and have fun, just I am just switching off and letting it go.

And I'm really trying to take this time now my business okay, I'm doing this and this is really fun.

And you know, this is one of the few things that I wanted to keep going while I was working through all this because I like talking and I think it's really fun and I'm like it's what's bringing me joy right now And and but in the back end I'm kind of tearing everything down and I'm rebuilding it and taking everything that was in my membership.

And I'm putting it into self-paced courses and figuring out OK, what do I want to be spending my time on?

What type of coaching do I want to be doing weird?

What do I where do I want to be putting my time and energy.

Because work takes up so much of our lives and it can be such a source of stress.

And I was like, I love my job and I wanted to be more of the loved and less of the struggle, you know.

And so as I said, for me, those self-care hips, when I couldn't move, it was me trying to drop into my body in some way, whether I through breath work or maybe a little bit of ritual when I could start moving.

It's, you know, starting to gently embody, like doing some stretches, doing a little bit of kind of, you know, the kind of regulation, like shaking, stuff like that.

And it's about starting to lift again and feel strong again in my body after going through a period where I felt like I was made of glass and had a ticking time bomb in my right hip.

And you know the sport networks was therapy of course the other sorry self-care tips with support therapy and then my support networks and it's been they've been my pillars like my friends, my family, my husband and therapy.

It's it's all being so, so helpful and will continue to be helpful because I'm sure I'm going to get angry and sad and feel different things at different times.

And if you get pregnant again, or if I'm talking to someone you know, all of these things are going to come come back up again.

And the final one is the cyclical wisdom.

And having that framework, that language for me to be able to put a name to what I'm experiencing from a life stage point of view, from an energetic point of view, from an emotional point of view.

And be able to put that in the context of a wheel, of something that is cyclical, of something that I'm going to come back to again.

I'm sure I'm going to have another dark night of the soul.

I'm sure I'm going to have a moment where I need to surrender in slow down.

But right now that's where I am.

Even though I wanted to be in summer, I am here and I will come to my summer at a later at a later stage.

And those wisdoms that have come from that is simplifying, is slowing down and is surrendering.

So yeah, that was my Ted talk.

I hope you enjoyed it and but as always with these things I'm really mindful that it is a very sensitive topic and some of what I might have said might resonate with you.

Other parts of it might not at all and but if it's given anyone a little glimmer of hope or maybe resonated but someone well, that's great and true.

If not, it simply helped me push into words kind of how I've been trying to look after myself the last while.

And for me that's been great experience and exercise to do.

So as always, I thank you so, so much for listening to me for the past, however long this has been, number of minutes.

And yes, and in the next episode I'm going to have the amazing pinning of Pity McGuire on and we're going to be talking about menstrual cycle awareness for our own experience with it and with grief as well.

So thank you so much for listening and.